Let me guess.

Someone told you to "just take deep breaths" when you're anxious.

Someone suggested you "practice gratitude" when you're numb.

Someone handed you a list of "5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear" and expected it to fix everything.

And none of it worked.

So you thought: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do a simple breathing exercise?"

Here's the truth: Nothing is wrong with you.

The tools are wrong for what you're dealing with.

Generic "calm down" advice is designed for people who are temporarily stressed.

You're not temporarily stressed. You're chronically dysregulated.

Your nervous system has been in survival mode for years—maybe decades.

And you need different tools.

Why "Just Breathe" Doesn't Work for Trauma Survivors

Here's what most people don't understand:

When your nervous system is dysregulated by trauma, deep breathing can actually make things worse.

Here's why:

Deep breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system—the "rest and digest" system. That's great if you're dealing with acute stress.

But if you're in freeze (that numb, disconnected, zombie feeling), your nervous system isn't just "a little stressed." It's completely shut down to protect you from overwhelming emotions.

Deep breathing asks your body to relax and feel.

But your body doesn't trust that. Feeling isn't safe yet.

So instead of calming down, you might:

• Feel more anxious

• Dissociate harder

• Feel nothing at all

• Start crying and not know why

• Have a panic attack

This isn't you "doing it wrong." This is your nervous system saying, "We're not ready for that yet."

What You Actually Need: Trauma-Informed Nervous System Tools

These aren't the tools you'll find on Instagram infographics.

These are tools designed specifically for dysregulated nervous systems—built on trauma research, somatic therapy, and polyvagal theory.

And they actually work.

TOOL #1: Pendulation (The Art of Touching the Edge)

What It Is:

Moving back and forth between a "safe" feeling and an "uncomfortable" feeling—like a pendulum.

Why It Works:

When you're chronically numb, your nervous system avoids ALL feelings because feelings = danger. But you can't heal what you can't feel.

Pendulation teaches your nervous system: "You can touch difficult emotions without drowning in them."

How to Do It:

Step 1: Find Your Resource This is something that feels neutral-to-good in your body right now:

• The feeling of your feet on the ground

• The texture of a soft blanket

• A memory of your dog

• The sound of rain

Spend 30-60 seconds noticing what feels okay in your body. Even if it's just "my left hand feels warm."

Step 2: Touch the Edge of Discomfort Bring to mind something mildly uncomfortable (NOT your worst trauma—just something that brings up a small amount of tension):

• A frustrating conversation yesterday

• A task you're avoiding

• A low-level worry

Notice what happens in your body. Tightness? Heat? A pit in your stomach? Just notice. Don't try to fix it.

Step 3: Pendulate Back to Your Resource After 10-20 seconds, bring your attention back to the thing that felt okay. Your feet. The blanket. The memory. Let your nervous system settle.

Step 4: Repeat Go back and forth 3-5 times:
Resource → Discomfort → Resource → Discomfort

What This Does:

It builds your capacity to feel without overwhelming yourself. Over time, this un-numbs you.

Important: Start small. If you dive into deep trauma too fast, your system will shut down harder.

TOOL #2: Somatic Tracking (Listening to Your Body, Not Your Brain)

What It Is:

Paying attention to sensations in your body instead of the stories in your head.

Why It Works:

Trauma lives in your body, not just your thoughts. Your brain can rationalize and minimize all day long ("It wasn't that bad"). But your body knows the truth.

When you're numb, it's because you've disconnected from your body. Somatic tracking is how you reconnect—slowly, gently, without forcing.

How to Do It:

Step 1: Get Comfortable Sit or lie down somewhere you won't be interrupted.

Step 2: Scan Your Body Close your eyes (or soften your gaze). Scan from head to toe. Not to fix anything—just to notice.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel tension?

• Where do I feel numbness?

• Where do I feel warmth, cold, tightness, buzzing, heaviness?

Step 3: Pick One Sensation Let's say you notice tightness in your chest. Don't try to make it go away. Just notice:

• How big is it? (Size of a fist? A ball? Spreading?)

• What's the texture? (Sharp? Dull? Heavy? Fluttery?)

• Does it have a temperature? (Hot? Cold? Neutral?)

• Does it move or stay still?

Step 4: Breathe With It (Not Against It) You're not trying to fix it. You're just acknowledging: "Oh, there's tightness here. Okay."

Step 5: If It Shifts, Follow It Sometimes sensations move. A knot in your stomach might become a lump in your throat. That's okay. Just follow it. Your body is processing.

What This Does:

It reconnects you to your body in a safe, non-judgmental way. Over time, you'll start to feel more—not because you're "trying harder," but because your nervous system is learning it's safe to feel again.

TOOL #3: Bilateral Stimulation (Calming the Brain Through Movement)

What It Is:

Rhythmic, alternating stimulation of both sides of your body. It's used in EMDR therapy, but you can do simple versions at home.

Why It Works:

Trauma gets "stuck" in your brain—specifically, in how memories are stored. Bilateral stimulation helps your brain process and integrate traumatic memories so they stop feeling so activating.

Even if you're not actively processing a memory, bilateral stimulation can calm a dysregulated nervous system.

How to Do It:

Option 1: Butterfly Hug

• Cross your arms over your chest (like hugging yourself)

• Alternate tapping your shoulders—left, right, left, right

• Find a rhythm that feels soothing (about 1 tap per second)

• Do this for 1-2 minutes

Option 2: Knee Taps

• Sit down

• Alternate tapping your knees—left, right, left, right

• Keep a steady rhythm

• Do this for 1-2 minutes

Option 3: Walking Yes, just walking. The natural rhythm of left-right-left-right is bilateral stimulation. This is why some people feel clearer after a walk—it's not just "fresh air," it's your brain processing.

What This Does:

Bilateral stimulation calms the amygdala (your brain's alarm system) and activates the prefrontal cortex (your thinking brain). It can reduce emotional intensity, help you feel more grounded, and process stuck feelings.

When to Use It:

• When you're feeling activated (anxious, irritable, panicky)

• When you're spiraling in your thoughts

• After a hard memory comes up

• Anytime you need to calm down but deep breathing isn't working

TOOL #4: Naming the State (Orienting Your Nervous System)

What It Is:

Instead of fighting how you feel, you name the state your nervous system is in. Then you give it what it actually needs.

Why It Works:

When you're anxious, people tell you to "calm down." When you're numb, people tell you to "cheer up." But your nervous system doesn't respond to commands—it responds to safety cues.

Naming your state helps you work with your nervous system, not against it.

How to Do It:

Step 1: Check In Ask yourself: "What state am I in right now?"

Sympathetic (Fight/Flight)?
Signs: Heart racing, can't sit still, irritable, scanning for danger, mind racing, hypervigilant

Dorsal (Freeze/Shutdown)?
Signs: Numb, flat, exhausted, disconnected, "I don't care," time feels weird, can't access emotions

Step 2: Name It Out Loud (or in Your Head) "I'm in fight/flight right now."
or
"I'm in freeze right now."

Step 3: Give Your Nervous System What It Needs

If You're in Fight/Flight (Sympathetic):
Your body has energy that needs to move.

What helps:

• Physical movement: jumping jacks, push-ups, shaking your body, dancing

• Cold water on your face or wrists

• Humming or singing loudly (activates vagus nerve)

• Bilateral stimulation (see Tool #3)

If You're in Freeze (Dorsal):
Your body is shut down and needs gentle activation.

What helps:

• Gentle movement: stretching, swaying, slow walking

• Orienting: Look around the room slowly, name objects you see

• Warm (not hot) tea or soup

• Humming softly (soothing, not releasing)

• Somatic tracking (see Tool #2)

What This Does:

It stops the war between "I should feel different" and "I feel how I feel." You stop fighting yourself. You start working with your nervous system.

TOOL #5: The 90-Second Rule (Riding the Wave)

What It Is:

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor (neuroscientist) discovered that emotions—when fully felt—last about 90 seconds in the body. After that, you're choosing to re-trigger the emotion with your thoughts.

Why It Works:

When you're scared of your emotions (because trauma taught you they're dangerous), you do everything to avoid them: numb out, distract, push them down.

But emotions are just neurochemical responses. They rise, peak, and fall—if you let them.

How to Do It:

Step 1: When an Emotion Comes Up, Set a Timer for 90 Seconds

Step 2: Feel It in Your Body (Without Adding a Story) Don't think about why you're sad or what made you angry. Just notice:

• Where is it in my body?

• What does it feel like?

• Is it moving or still?

Step 3: Breathe (But Not to Make It Go Away—Just to Stay Present)

Step 4: Watch It Peak and Start to Fade This is key: Emotions do fade if you don't re-trigger them with thoughts like "Why do I always feel this way?" or "This is never going to end."

Step 5: After 90 Seconds, Check In "Is it still here?"

If yes: Ride another 90 seconds.
If no: Notice that. "Huh. It passed."

What This Does:

It teaches you that emotions won't destroy you. You can feel them and survive. Over time, this reduces the fear of feeling—which is what's keeping you numb.

The Real Work: Building Safety

All of these tools work—but only if your nervous system believes it's safe enough to try them.

You can't regulate a nervous system that doesn't feel safe.

So before you dive into these tools, ask yourself:

• Am I in a safe enough environment right now?

• Do I have enough capacity to try this?

• Can I stop if it becomes too much?

If the answer is no, that's okay. Build safety first.

Safety might look like:

• Getting out of a toxic relationship

• Finding a therapist you trust

• Creating one corner of your home that feels calm

• Spending time with a person whose presence feels soothing

You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick.

You Don't Need to Do All of These

Pick one. Try it. See what happens.

Some will resonate. Some won't. That's okay. Your nervous system will tell you what it needs.

And remember:

You're not broken. You're stuck.

And stuck can be unstuck.

Want More Tools?

These five tools are just the beginning.

Phoenix Rising is a 30-day program that walks you through nervous system regulation, trauma processing, and building the life you actually want—with daily practices, 24/7 AI coach support, and a community of women rising with you.

Learn More About Phoenix Rising →

Or start with the free guide: "When You're Too Numb to Cry"

About the Author:

Lauren Tobey is a Trauma-Informed Coach (CPD Certified & IPHM Accredited), creator of The Phoenix Path, and someone who tried every generic "calm down" tool before discovering what actually works.